Our Desire To Rule

We’ve been through a lot in our marriage. We’ve watched other people go through a lot in theirs. Marriage is NOT easy. And you can take that to the bank. But it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun and fulfilling and meaningful. We have a roadmap for how it does be done and what to do when problems arise. Better yet, it tells us how to safeguard our marriages from harm! But we’re only human and we fall short. It’s all in the Bible. Seriously. Put down the self-help books, stop complaining to your girlfriends, stop trying to fix it yourself. It’s a bandaid. Believe me, I have tried this. It doesn’t work! 

(doTERRA trip to Dominican Republic)

I have a feeling this blog might ruffle some feathers, but I think we SHOULD have our feathers ruffled sometimes! I have grown to love the pruning process the Lord uses when He reveals the yucky parts of us that need to die and breathes life and Truth into our hearts through His Word and by His Spirit. 

Oh, baby, it hurts so good. 

The kids and I have been combing through Psalm 51 and discussing sin. We are learning that God has great compassion towards us, but he is also a just God. When we sin, it becomes a barrier between us and God and he wants to forgive and restore us into a right relationship. Thankfully we have the ability to do that through the sacrifice of Jesus. But, here's the question: How do you know what your sins ARE?! I mean, we all know the obvious ones. What about the small ones that creep in and plant themselves and make their homes in our hearts without us noticing? Yeah, it’s a thing. 

In speaking with the LORD, King David prayed, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in our sight.” Psalm 51:2-4 (Do a word study on the differences between sin, transgressions, and iniquities, it’s fascinating!) 

In another famous Psalm, King David asked the Lord to do some heart surgery. “Search me God, and know my anxious heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:16 

You guys, we have blind spots! We need the One who can look deep into our hearts to reveal our sin and lead us in the way everlasting. Are you brave enough to ask Him to do that? Because I decided finally, that I was. And I want to share with you some of the things He is showing me. 

And it has to do with my marriage. 

Ben and I will be celebrating 19 years of marriage in just a couple of weeks. We were 21 & 22 when we married. Practically children! I can honestly tell you now that it is ONLY by God’s grace that we’re still married and HAPPILY, at that. If we had “followed our hearts” we would have gone our own ways long ago, as many do. “The heart is deceitful above all else and beyond cure.” Jeremiah 17:9 We can’t trust our feelings! They are fickle. But instead, we followed the Lord towards reconciliation in our sloppy, toddler-esque way and He was faithful to forgive and to heal our hearts. 

Ashamedly, I have this very clear memory early in my marriage thinking that I had no real big sins. I wasn’t even aware of any little ones I hadn’t repented of or at least justified in my narrow understanding of scripture. I was new in my intentional walk with Jesus. And I was sure that all our marriage problems were quite obviously Ben’s fault. Duh.

I shudder now at that memory because God has been showing me all the ways I have sinned against my husband over these last 19 years and it’s really humbling. Maturity and experience are great teachers. We are wise to listen to those who have great marriages! They know! 

Have you ever heard that verse in Genesis where after the fall, God tells Eve, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”? Gen 3:16. This verse is often misunderstood and there are some really great articles that go deeper but the essence is this: There will be an ongoing conflict in your marriage as a result of sin. 

There WILL be a power struggle. 

The NLT says that “You will desire to rule over your husband.” 

Desire here means to overpower, subvert, or humble. 

Oh, my heart. Look around, ladies! Do we not see this happening in media, on TV, in our churches, in our families, and yes, in our own marriages? I see it in mine. And where I once felt justified in the way I spoke to, undermined, or manipulated my husband, I now stand convicted. And my heart breaks because I know it breaks God’s heart. And it hurts my husband. God desires my obedience, not me acting upon and justifying my feelings. 

Proverbs 12:4 – “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.”

When our kids were little there were certain things that my sweet husband wanted to implement in our lives that had to do with parenting, discipline, and the like. But I, in my infinite wisdom stood in the way and acted as a barrier between my husband and my children as if he did not also love them as much as I did and as if he were not called and equipped by God to lead and teach his family? I constantly questioned and doubted him. I was sure I knew better. And that pride and vanity took its toll on his trust in me long term. Oh, the stories I could tell you. You would be shocked! But I will not becaust this is not the time or place for such things. Maybe someday…

Over time, a husband will grow weary of a wife who is constantly nagging, belittling him, and lacking the respect God tells us to show him, whether we think he “deserves” it or not. He may break, lose his fight and become complacent. He may tune out and find more hobbies. And then you will see the wife yell at him and tell him to be a man, stand up and lead. And he may muster up the ambition to try again, and he will fail according to her standards. And so the sad cycle repeats. 

I didn’t have a father I trusted. He was an alcoholic, he was abusive verbally and manipulated through his yelling and angry outbursts. So “allowing” my husband free reign in parenting was really scary for me. But, my dad, love him, was not a Godly man. And Ben is not my father. And Ben IS a Godly man who desired to please the Lord and live according to His ways. Even if the evidence of this was scant in these early years as we were both growing and maturing, it was not up to me to decide if he was worthy. He has his orders and I have mine. And my orders are not to control his. 

What to do if your husband is not a believer? 

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives” 1 Peter 3:1-6. And also? PRAY for him.

If you find yourself struggling with attitudes like this, it’s actually delayed obedience. You KNOW the good you ought to do. And to not do it, is sin. (James 4:17) I am not implying that you can and will be perfect in this area as a wife. None of us will ever be. But if you continue to struggle in this I would be so bold to say that you haven’t truly acknowledged it, forgiven your husband in your heart for mistakes he’s made and you’re harboring bitterness. Believe me, I have been there. 

I want to provide a home where my husband can hear from the Lord without his wife nagging in the other ear. I want to create a safe space for my husband to try new things and fail without impending fear that I will criticize and emasculate him. I want to be his encourager and his biggest fan. I want him to feel safe with me and want to be with me. And for some women, it means playing the part before you feel like it. There is so much goodness that comes from obedience. I also want to show him the same grace I would live to be shown when I screw up! Because I will. A lot. It’s just inevitable. 

 “It is better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 21:9 This is the verse that pops into my mind when I find myself in a “mood” and want to feel justified in my rant. It quickly pierces my heart and I remember that this is also my husband’s home and I have no right to make it an uninhabitable environment. Plus, our roof is really high. 

What I can tell you now is that I really do adore my husband. I adore his perseverance. I have given him a run for his money, haha! If I take a moment and pan out a bit and look at the last 21 years together, I see God’s handiwork all OVER my relationship with Ben. I see how he has repeatedly picked up broken pieces and made beautiful artifacts as a testament to His goodness and for His glory. I want the story of my marriage to make Jesus famous in all the land. I want people to hear our story and have it melt their hearts of stone and embrace hearts of flesh that can be molded and formed into vessels that can walk around and show one another grace and love. 

I don’t want this to sound like the success of a marriage lies solely in a submissive wife. There are two involved in making a marriage work. Of course! But I wanted to highlight this specific topic because it’s what the Lord is showing me recently and after talking with a few friends lately, it seems He is tugging on the hearts of many wives to submit in this area. Let it go. Kill the pride. Let down your guard and trust that God knows what He is doing.

So what do you do when you REALLY feel like your husband is being unwise? PRAY FOR HIM. Pray, pray, pray. Let the Lord work on his heart. YOU ARE NOT HIS HOLY SPIRIT. Pray that he be connected with other Christian men for sharpening and accountability. They need each other, as women need each other. If your husband needs encouragement geared specifically towards men, may I recommend the Ironworks teachings from Athey Creek Christian Fellowship? They are available on YouTube or their website. They address things such as wisdom, pornography, fear & worry, being men of truth, etc. They also meet monthly in person at the church here in Oregon if you’re local. 

But first and foremost, pray for him to receive wisdom from God. 

He needs you. You are the best woman for the job.

I want my marriage to be an example to my children. My daughter will be asked to be a wife someday, Lord willing. If she enters a marriage understanding that the role she is asked to live out has the ability to completely make or break her husband and in turn, her entire household, I will be so, so thankful. My sons will choose wives someday, Lord willing, and I want them to be blessed with a wife who is a jewel in their crowns! Wives they have full confidence in and who bring them good, not harm all the days of their lives! (Proverbs 31) And of course, I have to say that I am raising them to understand what it means to cherish their wives, protect and love them as Christ loves the church in a self-sacrificial manner. But that’s another blog for another time. 

Lastly, I want to share my most recent learning experience.

My kids like to sleep in. I like my kids to sleep in. I really enjoy our slow mornings but lately, as I have asked God to reveal sin in my life, I have been convicted of my laziness. I am not saying it’s bad to have a slow morning here and there. But ALL of them? Ha! On top of that, Ben has wanted to do Bible study with the kids in the mornings for YEARS but I was always against it because, again, I love my slow mornings. I didn’t want to sacrifice that even though it was probably one of the best things we could do as a family. Sin. Stubbornness. Pride. 

So I sat with this for a few days and waited to talk to Ben about it until I was SURE I was willing to lay this down and allow him to lead. Does that not sound ridiculous?! ALLOW my husband to do the thing God has called him to do? Who do I think I am!? Honestly. 

So here’s how it went. I talked to Ben and told him I was sorry for holding him back in this area. I told the kids that I had been in the way of daddy doing what God called him to do which is being the spiritual head of our home. And we told the kids we were starting Monday. Be at the table by 7am. 

7am, you guys. 

For years, my kids have slept until 9, 10, or 11 o clock if I let them. This is a big change. But already, God is blessing it. As I watch my lovely man of a husband teach our children, pray over them and be an example of what a great father and husband should be, I am filled with gratitude and reminded that His ways are better than my ways. To protect my time of peace and quiet in the morning that I love so much, I have been getting up at 5 so I have plenty of time to make tea, read and pray. Easy solution.

God disciplines those He loves. That obedience is better than staying stuck in prideful ways even if initially, it hurts. The long-term fruit of this obedience will be bountiful because God promises it. And as much as it hurts to keep digging and pruning, I am excited to see what else He has in store for my family and the ripple effect this might have in other marriages. 

I implore you to ask the Lord about this. Ask Him to show you where you’ve been treating your husband poorly, whether you think he deserves it or not. None of us DESERVE anything. If you’ve been hardening your heart toward this topic, it’s TIME ladies! Revival starts with us, in our hearts, in our homes. We cannot be praying for something we’re not willing to do ourselves. God is so faithful. He is so GOOD and so worthy of our obedience. 

Grace and Peace,

Andree ☀️ 💕